truckin

just had 5 days off. pretty pointless days, nothing good coming from them. bar, orchestra with a nut, two boring nothing days of football tv watching by myself, then boring drunken bar. lots of time in between staring at a book or tv. lots of isolation and boredom to my brain. actually looking forward to work and some interaction with other actual human beings. two years since college without any productive days, two years of nothing but work work work. fun had gone and left with the morning sun. no sun spots without covers. no joy without stop lines.I need a change but can't find the exit/entrance. stuck with crummy roommate who are way to much ocd for me and have lost their fun. eat a gallon of ice cream get fat and blame the fat for my problems. yeah right that would just add to problems. just gonna keep truckin i guess maybe an exit will arrive, though can't imagine it being great like the first one, but am uo for a surprise.

Anxiety or a day in Hell

woke up this morning with my head in a vice clamped tight, 3 feet high to the wall with out chair or stool. Bloated tongue, cuffed claws. tension with the suns peak on the horizon. the vice starts a rotating motion counter-clockwise, every minute the globe of fire climbs. it starts to gain speed, it temperature rises, it tighten till the world goes to a blur but still of conscience, of pain, of doubt, of fear, sadness, self pity, self annihilation at ones one mistakes to be caught in such a conundrum in time. to laugh and submit to the ever amounts of torture because if ones honest with ones self there just ain't no point.

Clouds envelop the sky, temperatures fall, rotation slows and slowly rises an inch by inch to a stop. no pain is still a dream but one knows the grass is always greener on the other side and a cloud is but a cloud and everything changes but change, so though this day is over theres a new son with another vice to come with the rotation of time..

imposing

why do gfs on roomates think its ok to come over to our house to do their laundry and to take showers. I understand that showering with their significant other is fun. but seriously when they aren't here i dont see why they need to go out of their way to do their shit here???? it annoying cause i pay for these utilities, they don't. fucking a this is pissing me off.

me against the world

it feels like its me against the world. I'm so sick of doing everything on my own. it gets really frustrating. like i am always feeling that there's never anyone that wants to do anything with me. plus everyone seems to have a bf or gf and that there's never anytime just to chill. what i really need to do is move somewhere else, maybe this will help change my friends. doubt it though. I've moved on from h.s. to college to many different places in college and yet I still find myself alone. like i said, its frustrating.
Plus also at work, starting this new position within the company. it sure felt like my training wasn't done properly. like i started with another new audit. she tryed with just audits while i was trained front desk then night audit, it felt to weird doing it this way. because of differences between front desk work and night audit work. plus they just kinda throw me into busy day of front desk were everyone checking in and out were of the same party and the bills seemed just the same. now that i am in night audit, just to my luck the girl that trained the other newbie is on pregnancy leave and doesn't look like she will return to the position. and i'm stuck learning from an older women who never really shows me much. however i really cant complain to my boss about he training techniques because she's my bosses mother. FML everything just feels like its overflowing in crap. the hours suck and the pay is terrible. this is why i need another change. i need less pressure or at least some better explanations on how to do somethings. if anything i need this mental mentality to change i hate how i feel like this, buti know time will cure it, it always has. i am hoping it will come soon and i will be happy with it, things could always be worst. i should be happy i have a job, income and well my health. everything else sucks but i have this.

sitting here with a book n tea

sitting here with a book and a cup of tea. the book "hotel on the corner of bitter and sweet" is about two young kids Henry and Keiko, and thier time spent together. what make it interesting is that its 1940s He's Chinese and she Japanese. this time when people from japan were being ported to concentration like camps. his understandings about losting his friend and the sturggles of all Japanese people during the time. very interesting. while i'm reading im drinking oolong tea (chinese tea) out of a mug with a printing of Claddagh Irish Pub on it. its just amazing how much time has changed since then. race isn't as much of an issue. yes there is still some, but most races seem to be able to mix well with one another. i may be a bit isolated on my idea but compared to past times things seem to be moving forward everywhere. people seem to make thier own beliefs based on what they want them to be, not based on their race as much as in the past. unless that is of their choosing. there will always be racism, but at least in the public view things have gotten better.
its an interesting topic to think about, because even now i see so many problems that arise against how great people have come together. it truth there is much more people can do. jokes are my biggest personal problem, i guess. i like the humor in them. but at least i always try to help anyosne when need and treat each individual equal no matter their race.grouping is hard for me not to say something against. my problem one of many, but i acknowledge and am always looking to forward myself personally. hopefully society is the same.

music revolution

when i got my computer i received 60 free song on napster. I've been using them. I have found some great new music, especially Katie Melua. amazing! spider's web is spectacular love the way she sings and the lyrics to this song are unique and special. love how she writes her own music. haven't found a good female artist since Duffy, who i found about a yeah ago or so. also very good vocals. others that are good that i've found... Diana Krall, Margot and the nuclear so and sos, Damien Rice, and Ray Montagne. Napster has done a good job with its coming around again, might actually buy some more from them, now that their a legitimate biz.

gotta start on the right foot

nervous about changing jobs, not extremely but i want to do well. its not that the job is super important but if i do well more things might come from it in the long run. the job is 3rd shift and is a pay cut from my other job, so naturally everyone believes me to be crazy. thats fine, maybe just i bit i guess. still working my day job as well as this so should make my sleeping habits worst...i wish i could actually say that.

just saw inglorious bastards tonight. i'm sure alot of people wouldn't agree but i believe tarantinos best was Kill Bill vol 1&2. it just fit his style so much better than any of his other films have fit. this movie wasn't as good as i was hoping. it vary rare that i find a good movie anymore, usually just end up watching the same ones over and over again. must have seen V for Vendetta like a 25 times just last year. over the last...since when ever it has came out who know how much... i getting to the point where i can think about the movie and quote a whole scene. kinda scary. but it just kind of movie and until i find something to replace such a movie, and even then i'll still probably go back to it. years from now when they do a re-make (they always do) maybe then i'll put it down for a while. unfortunately remakes are so hit or miss. (i.e. charlie and the charcolate factory) dystopian movies and books are just great in my opinion. been going back in resent months and say to other such ones. Solvent Green come to mind as a good one of remembrance. 9 and city of ember new films of such nature were alright.

Reading "hotel on the corner of bitter and sweet" it good so far, not far into it though. deals with the relations between Caucasian, Chinese and Japanese in Seattle during WW2. prejudices and differences toward the two asians have already arisen.

gues this posting isn't as emotional as the first but some days aren't always the same. today was mostly a blaa! whatver goes goes kind day and will probably pass by as one of the many ones that leave nothing of remebrance for me (including iglorious bastards movie). best part of the day? not sure probably thats its over. tomorrow should be interesting though so, hoping so. pretty sure in the long run of this new positon its going to be somewhat boring, unless thier are weekend drunks and crazy guest to deal with. not something i will have to deal with personally for a while. well good night to whom ever or probably myself.